


Conscience of Guilt

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Episode: s07e17 Requiem, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-09
Updated: 2006-08-09
Packaged: 2019-05-15 04:12:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14783379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Abbey ponders Leo's death.





	Conscience of Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

It was like a blur to her. The phone call, first.

“Sweetheart, I’m afraid I have bad news…” he’d said.

She was shocked, naturally. She had been in New Hampshire, had naively stayed behind to support Elizabeth and Doug. She should have went back with Jed, to Washington. She regretted it the moment he had left. Liz didn’t need her, anyhow. She’d nearly avoided her since the whole extra marital affair blowout.

Abbey hadn’t been pleased that Liz had accepted it so openly, but she would not judge. Those shoes were ones she had never aspired to try on. Jed was terribly faithful, and she hoped to keep it that way.

She had flown back to the White House early the next morning to be with Jed. It all happened so fast, she couldn’t even recall the hour and a half flight on Air Force One. All that she knew was that she could have-no should have prevented it.

That was her job. That was all she was ever supposed to do; protect them. She couldn’t remember the last day that she shared with her husband and didn’t mention his health. What he should be doing, what he should be eating. What he shouldn’t even think about doing but he does it anyway.

Leo had a heart attack at Camp David last year. A damned heart attack, right beneath her own nose. She is a heart surgeon, she knew the signs. She winced, remembering that conversation. 

She had rattled off in her physician voice, stress releases a hormone that constricts the blood vessels. It contracts the heart muscles, it stimulates the adrenal gland. The vessels shred over time, permanently constricting the heart muscles, damage, damage, damage. Stress, so much stress. That is all that Leo and Jed have known over the last eight years.

Leo’s body could take no more. He treated his temple with disdain, he was the king of his body. He was dethroned. All the years of drinking, coupled with the pills. Whatever he could get his hands on, but Valium, that was his queen. He would forsake all for just one more drink, one more pill. Until he realized that he was forsaking himself.

It ran through her head like an eerie film. She had asked him to get his blood pressure checked. To get an EKG. Call Dr. Mayfield, she even offered to do it for him. She never did.

Apparently, neither did he.

That heart attack shook her to her very core. He nearly died, she thought that he was gone. She blamed herself then.

While in the waiting room at the hospital, she assured Jed it was not his fault. She assured him more than once. What she was really trying to do, though, was assuage her own feelings.

She should have seen the signs, she should have known. She should have stopped it before it got that far. She felt powerless, and she indeed was powerless.

What she took solace in, was that she convinced Jed to let Leo go. Get him out of that job, she knew Leo would let it kill him. Jed listened, for once, and it had worked. Leo mended, he was on the road to recovery.

Now, here she sits, mere hours after his funeral, blindly watching the tub fill up with water.

Hoping, praying that she could wash away her sins.

Jed had taken the whole thing much better than she had anticipated.

He had cried, sure, she had held him while he cried, more than once. He re-lived his best friends life with the rest of their family. Their children, really, the children of Jed and Leo. Jed did what he had to do to get through the past few days.

How had she gotten through it? She couldn’t even remember, she was numb to it, really. She hadn’t grieved, fully, didn’t think that she was capable of it. Jed shed enough tears for them both. She had cried some, sure, but she mostly watched Jed go through the motions. Abbey didn’t deserve to mourn, it was all her fault. 

The little thoracic surgeon that couldn’t.

She couldn’t save Leo, in fact she hadn’t even tried.

She couldn’t stop Jed from getting MS, though she tried every day of her life.

Abbey climbed into the sudsy liquid, drowning her sorrows, chasing the demons from her mind. She had been sipping on a glass of brandy for perhaps an hour, now. Actually, she was on her third glass already tonight. She thought it would anesthetize her. Deaden her guilty conscience, perhaps.

She’d been so busy assisting Jed in grieving, that she hadn’t done it for herself. She closed the door on her sorrow, laughed in the face of death. All she felt was guilt. Leo would never forgive her for letting him die. And if Leo couldn’t forgive her, how could she forgive herself?

Abbey lay back in the water, closing her eyes to the pain in her heart, her mind. Unaware that the tears flowed freely down her face, like an endless stream.

She had loved Leo, too, like a brother. They were friends for years. They had been through so much together. He had stuck up for Jed through everything that had happened in the past twenty years. How could she let that go? How was she to be the only one, no one to share the burdens that she had to face?

She cried so hard that she hadn’t even heard herself sobbing. Didn’t taste the salt from her tears when they trailed over her lips, dropping silently into the now tepid water that engulfed her body. Then she thought about Mallory. She was orphaned, left without a father. Sure, she had her mother, but she needed her father, too. Her daddy. She had hugged her at the funeral, Mallory hadn’t wanted to let go. Mallory had been holding on to her fathers last eight years through Abbey. It had pained her to pull away when it was time to go. Ellie had taken her place in Mal’s arms, so Abbey could attend to her First Lady duties. Duties that she would not have ever have gotten, had it not been for Leo’s great idea.

Bartlet for America.

He was animated while he told it to her. His big, goofy, crooked grin was contagious as he told her how perfect she would be in all of the beautiful gowns that she would wear for all the world to see. How beautiful of a First Lady she would be, exquisite, the perfect trophy on Jed’s arm. The only difference in their lives would be that every one in the free world would know their love. 

That Leo was a charmer.

The water wasn’t warm, anymore, but she was too without sensation to realize it.

“Abbey?”

Jed stared down at her tear stained face. The redness and the puffiness more pronounced than it had been. How could he have been so wrapped up in himself that he hadn’t even realized that she had yet to mourn? What kind of husband was he, anyway?

He grabbed a towel, and reached down to grab her arm.

“Baby, get out of the tub.” he said gently, as she opened her eyes, staring at him vacantly. “You’ve been in here for over an hour.”

“What?” she asked, frowning. 

Jed pulled her to stand, unsteadily, grabbing her when she teetered on the edge of falling. He frowned at her. “Abbey, you’re freezing!” he wrapped the towel around her back, pulling her toward him and lifting her from the tub.

He held her in his arms while she buried her head in his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. 

He brought one hand to the back of her head while she cried her little heart out, holding her tight against him. “Shh..” he soothed. “Baby, it’s gonna be okay.”

Abbey shook her head. “No, no, he died.”

Jed took her to the bedroom, where he pulled a nightshirt over her head and pulled her into their bed. He looked into her tear filled eyes, “Abbey, baby, let it out…” he told her, cupping her face in his hands.

She shook her head. “You don’t understand…” she sobbed. “It’s my fault…I could have helped him.” she cried. “If he would have let me know…”

“Abbey, it isn’t your fault.” Jed admonished. “What could you have done?”

She shrugged. “I’m a doctor, I should have known that-”

“There is no way you or anyone else could have predicted this, Abbey.” he said, pulling her tight against him, stroking her back. “Nor prevented it for that matter.” 

“I just feel so helpless…” she said softly.

Jed laughed. “You know he would have pushed you away, even if he was having a heart attack right in front of you.” Jed shook his head. “Stubborn old fool…” he muttered.

Abbey smiled. Jed could have been describing himself at this moment. She looked up into his eyes. “I feel guilty.”

“I see that.” he smiled down at her. “For what else?” he knew she wasn’t telling him everything. She had told him about her conversation with Leo that night that she and he had gotten stuck together during the lockdown.

Abbey drew her eyes back down. She hated to admit it to him, to anybody. That wasn’t her only reason for feeling guilty. 

“Tell me.” he said softly, stroking her hand.

It was barely audible when she admitted to him, “When you told me that he was…that he, had passed, on the phone that night.” she was hesitant. She drew in a deep breath, clenched her eyes shut as she finished her long over due sentence, and tears flowed again. “The first thought that popped into my head…” she paused.

Jed sighed. “Was that it wasn’t me.” he finished for her softly.

Abbey looked up into his tear filled eyes, as he stared back into the haunted eyes of hers.

She nodded.

“Me too.” he said. He pulled her into his arms. “All I can ask for when I leave this building for the last time, is that I am allowed one more day with you.”

She shook in his arms, burying her face in his shoulder. “It’s awful to feel that way, Jed.”

“Abbey, Leo is in a much better place than you and I.” he told her. “So, don’t feel too guilty.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I guess he is…” she agreed. “I’m gonna miss him.” she paused. “I could have helped him.”

Jed shook his head. “Not your turn to play God, Abbey. We have to let him go. We had him for longer than we deserved.”

“I could kick his ass for dying.” she said, gaining some strength back.

“I’m sure you will someday.” he snuggled closer to her, kissing her forehead. He smiled. “You know, I bet Mrs. Landingham is giving him the once over.”

Abbey smiled, picturing Delores lecturing Leo, and him rolling his eyes at her. “Yeah, I could see that.” she said softly.

Jed sighed. “You know, this is a real wake-up call for me.” He tugged Abbey closer to him, her arms wrapped around his waist, his arm around her shoulder and her back, pinning her against him. He breathed in the light strawberry fragrance of her. “My man of steel has been taken from me. For eight years he has been my backbone when I could not stand on my own.” Abbey nodded. “I see what you mean about my not being invincible.”

“I watch you pretty closely. If you were having any kind of troubles, I would know it.” she said. “I would feel it.”

“I don’t think I’m in any danger of a heart attack, though, hon.” he said, rubbing her back. “I have different problems.”

“I know.” she winced. “It’ll be okay.” she promised him, curling a hand around his neck, sinking into his body. She twined her leg around one of his, hugging him tightly to her.

Jed was silent for awhile. He sighed deeply again, “Abbey, I’m sorry.”

She looked up to face him. “For what?” she asked, confused.

“For acting more like your child than your husband.” he said. “I’ve done it before, I know. I just never realized how easy you make it for me. I close myself off to you, because I know that you know how I’m feeling, and… I know that I shouldn’t keep my emotions bottled up, but…” he sighed again. “Sometimes I just am a real jackass.”

“It’s okay-”

Jed cut her off. “No, it isn’t! I did it when my father died, I did it when Delores died. And I did it when Zoey…” he clenched his eyes shut at the memory. “I’m so sorry.”

Abbey cupped his face in her hands. “Sometimes I need you to hold me, Jed. I can’t always tell you what I need when I want it.” she shook her head. “I can’t always be the rock. I do my best, but, honestly, Jed.” her eyes fought back more tears. “I’m not strong like you think that I am when you close yourself off to me like that.” she shook her head, as the tears flowed freely again.

Jed eyes were leaking as well. “Baby, I am so sorry.” he whispered.

“I needed you, too.” she wailed, her body shaking with a fresh wave of sobs.

He hugged her tighter. “You’ve got me, babe. Please, Abbey always remember that…” he kissed her forehead again.

Jed grabbed the phone from the nightstand and picked up the receiver, beginning to dial.

Abbey frowned. “What are you doing?”

“Leaving a message for Debbie to cancel my morning.” he smiled at her. “Tillman can wait.”  
Abbey smiled. “Thank you, Jed.”

He smiled at her, “And you’re right, I need to start getting more sleep, for my health.” he winked at her.

Abbey smiled. She waited until Jed put the phone back before she pulled the covers up over their bodies and cuddled closer to him. “I love you.” she said, closing her eyes.

“I love you, too, Abbey.” he breathed in her ear.

Abbey allowed her body to relax. Jed was right. Perhaps things would be okay after all, though it may take quite some time for things to get back to normal.

She missed Leo, but they would meet again someday. And instead of it being a mansion in the middle of Washington D.C., it would be in a greater mansion in the sky. She only hoped that Leo would save a room for her and Jed.

 

So long, Mr. McGarry. We miss you already.

 

The End


End file.
